Today I sat next to a model in hot yoga. She walked in with her perfect top knot, BPA free water bottle and the most gorgeously wonderful Bambi legs in existence and every girl’s face instantly froze like,
“Bitch, please please pleaseee don’t sit next to me. Please. PLEASE!!”
Then they look up to the heavens and apologize for the bagel they had for breakfast. No more carbs after today. Tomorrow’s the day. Officially. I always start diets on Mondays.
Of course the model (let’s call her Top Knot Tammy) lays out her mat right next to mine. All the girls relax. I die inside.
Even her damn mat is skinnier than mine. My mat curdles in shame. Slowly I morph into the downest of dogs (so cheesy, but really this is what I thought. You try being me.)
Excuse me Top Knot-T, hunny, Ms. Independent? GO AWAY. I come here to help my anxiety not give me an additional Bambi leg complex. Trust me, I’ve already got complexes on complexes. I came her to learn the facets of deep breathing, not deep loathing.
Tammy girl, has the Taylor Swift body mixed with the exoticness of one of those brunette VS models. She was Beyonce booty with the effortlessness of Kendall Jenner walking through Coachella in that long jean shorts and vest look. She just sorta waltzes by.
Let me compare it in another way.
She has Bambi legs.
I have Bambi’s sadness.
She’s a model.
I am not (do selfies count?).
Today after yoga, I went and got the biggest, fattiest, chocolate muffin I’ve ever bought in my life. Like I literally thought of the idea in Chavasana (buying a big and fatty chocolate muffin) and then I did it ($3.50 at Whole Foods). I didn’t give a fuuuuu.
Because sometimes you just have to indulge and not give a crap that there’s a supermodel next to you. You gotta face the facts that there are supermodels in life and they are there to tear you down. Pastry companies actually build them and send them out into the world just so muffin prices will rise. But YOU gotta rise up girl, you gotta RISE UP LIKE PASTRY DOUGH.
You gotta realize that Bambi probably never eats chocolate muffins after yoga, but then again she probably does. Because only DNA mixed with model girl genes could possibly shape her legs like that.
So watch out Bambi legs, because yes, I am jealous of you and yes you are enough to make me go I kissed a girl and I liked it, and yes you probably live that jet setting Saudi Princes buying you gold watches, exotic puppies, love, affection, 10 ft. yachts and wait….what was I talking about?
Make me a Meowdel,
[pullquote width=”300″ float=”left”]We can all learn a thing or two from models! – A. Maki[/pullquote]