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Stories – Ally Maki

Category: Stories

What I Learned Today From a Model

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Today I sat next to a model in hot yoga. She walked in with her perfect top knot, BPA free water bottle and the most gorgeously wonderful Bambi legs in existence and every girl’s face instantly froze like,

“Bitch, please please pleaseee don’t sit next to me. Please. PLEASE!!”

Then they look up to the heavens and apologize for the bagel they had for breakfast. No more carbs after today. Tomorrow’s the day. Officially. I always start diets on Mondays.

Of course the model (let’s call her Top Knot Tammy) lays out her mat right next to mine. All the girls relax. I die inside.

Even her damn mat is skinnier than mine. My mat curdles in shame. Slowly I morph into the downest of dogs (so cheesy, but really this is what I thought. You try being me.)

Excuse me Top Knot-T, hunny, Ms. Independent? GO AWAY. I come here to help my anxiety not give me an additional Bambi leg complex. Trust me, I’ve already got complexes on complexes. I came her to learn the facets of deep breathing, not deep loathing.

Tammy girl, has the Taylor Swift body mixed with the exoticness of one of those brunette VS models. She was Beyonce booty with the effortlessness of Kendall Jenner walking through Coachella in that long jean shorts and vest look. She just sorta waltzes by.

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Let me compare it in another way.

I’m 5’1.

She’s 5’11.

She has Bambi legs.

I have Bambi’s sadness.

She’s a model.

I am not (do selfies count?).

Today after yoga, I went and got the biggest, fattiest, chocolate muffin I’ve ever bought in my life. Like I literally thought of the idea in Chavasana (buying a big and fatty chocolate muffin) and then I did it ($3.50 at Whole Foods). I didn’t give a fuuuuu.

Because sometimes you just have to indulge and not give a crap that there’s a supermodel next to you. You gotta face the facts that there are supermodels in life and they are there to tear you down. Pastry companies actually build them and send them out into the world just so muffin prices will rise. But YOU gotta rise up girl, you gotta RISE UP LIKE PASTRY DOUGH.

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You gotta realize that Bambi probably never eats chocolate muffins after yoga, but then again she probably does. Because only DNA mixed with model girl genes could possibly shape her legs like that.

So watch out Bambi legs, because yes, I am jealous of you and yes you are enough to make me go I kissed a girl and I liked it, and yes you probably live that jet setting Saudi Princes buying you gold watches, exotic puppies, love, affection, 10 ft. yachts and wait….what was I talking about?

Make me a Meowdel,

Ally

[pullquote width=”300″ float=”left”]We can all learn a thing or two from models! – A. Maki[/pullquote]

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A List of Things I Bought When I Was 14!

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Today I saw a girl at the crosswalk with a few of her Lorde type friends. (Is it weird to be in your mid 20s sitting at the crosswalk daydreaming about being part of their teenage crew?) They would’ve been any sort of ordinary teenage girls if I hadn’t noticed one simple little detail. They were carrying multiple shopping bags from Lululemon.

It all seems innocent enough, but it got me to thinking. Tweens these days are fancy as hell. To this day I go into Lululemon acting like I’m going to buy a variety of items and then after turning the price tag on a pair of $120 stretchy pants I instantly fake an important phone call and get the hell out of dodge before I see the disgusted look on the shopgirl’s face. “Ah, darnit sorry they just don’t have the size I need in the style I want, but I’m definitely going to order it online.”

And here these girls half my age are with their iPhones and their bags of Lululemons dropping cash for overpriced workout gear like it’s nothing. When I was their age I felt guilty about buying leggings from Forever 21 for $9.95 plus tax.

Here are some other things I bought when I was 14.

♥ Plastic binders with the different pockets to put pictures (that you would have to actually print out at Kinko’s) to make funky collages displaying your coolest of “friends”. “Um, yeah Penelope and I hang out all the TIME. That’s why she’s on the front of my binder, duh.”

♥ Random things from Claire’s. Mittens with only half the finger covered up to the knuckle. So cool. Blingin’ bellybutton rings. Earrings that gave me nasty infections.

♥ $2 lipglosses that tasted like plastic and had names like “peachy plastic” and “tastes like shit but looks glossy as HELL!

♥ Melon gum

♥ Saving stamps up on my Sanrio card to get some sweet Hello Kitty jewelry case

The most expensive thing I think I ever convinced my mom I “needed” was a Sidekick. It didn’t have service, it was only for games and messaging. SWEET. I blinged that shit out myself for four painstaking hours on my bedroom floor with alternating pink and clear rhinestones.

So in short, I understand that these girls are way more fancy than I am now or probably will ever be. It’s just a fact. As much as I wonder if I would be cooler if I grew up in this tech savvy, Instagram infested culture that is defined by “tweens” these days, I don’t know if realistically I would’ve been able to handle it. I liked looking in the mirror everyday as my 14 year old self, with braces and bad wispy bangs and just see me. That was all I knew. What we don’t know won’t kill us right. Cause trust me, I had no clue how bad it was.

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So thank you to the 15 year olds of 2015 who teach me so much! You guys rock.

Whew I’m lame.

I Don’t Think You’re Ready For This Jelly,

Ally

[pullquote width=”300″ float=”left”]“My definition of a Lululemon: a teenage girl who makes you lose all dignity and instantly humbles you to your very core!”[/pullquote]